It seems every week I get a phone call from a parent who is worried about their adult son or daughter. They are fraught with concern and confusion about their adult child who is struggling to get it together, and launch out into the world.
Though many of these adult children have graduated from college, some by hook or by crook, learning did not necessarily come easy to them. Now, out in the real world, they struggle to find the job they want, and tend to always have a reason for why the available positions in the job market aren’t good enough. These failure to launch adult children are angry, argumentative, and tend to rely on (and abuse) mind-altering substances like alcohol and marijuana. They use substances as a way to cope, to numb out disappointment over what they are unable to achieve.
Many of these adult children live at home, while others have found themselves launched into their own apartments with the caveat that mom and dad foot the bill. In fact, many move out only when their parents reach the boiling point of exasperation and force them to move on (and launch).
For parents, it’s important to take a look at what your attitudes are towards your adult child. According to social workers Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner, you should ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish limits?
- Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent or as simply being more comfortable with allowing you to take care of their responsibilities for them?
- Is the situation becoming volatile and intolerable? (Is your stress level over the top? Are you fighting with your spouse over what the next best action is?)
From my experience in helping adult children launch and thrive, I have learned it’s important to ask yourself this: are you as a parent inadvertently doing too much for him or her and leaving him or her in a state of permanent adolescence, while you continue to make excuses for why (s)he has not launched?
The truth is the rules of the road have changed. While your adult child will always be your child, he or she is not a kid anymore. So often we as parents can respond to our adult children as if he or she were that same young person who needed to be taken care of. However, when you do for children what they can do for themselves, you are over-functioning, and when you over-function, your adult child under-functions. When you clean up their messes, pay their bills, look the other way when the house reeks of marijuana, etc, you enable your adult child to under-function and delay their launch.
Such was the case with Matt and Samantha, who called me to help intervene with their three adult children living at home. Matt and Samantha housed their 22-year-old unemployed college graduate daughter who experienced anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, along with their 27-year-old (employed teacher) son and his girlfriend. Matt and Samantha were exhausted. They spent their days picking up after their adult children, making dinner, and feeling as if they were being held hostage in their own home. The only time they had respite was when they took their dog for a walk, and, in fact, that’s when they called me (because they never had a moment of privacy in their home).
In time, Matt and Samantha were able to recognize that these young people were guests in their home and not small children who needed a heightened level of care. So how did they want a guest to act in their home? They decided they did not want them to make a mess, do drugs, or outstay their welcome. Matt and Samantha declared marijuana was no longer allowed in the house, invited their older son and his girlfriend to move out (and to move all of their furniture and belongings out of their garage when they got an apartment), and invited their daughter Debbie to get an assessment at a local treatment center. Debbie sought an assessment and engaged in outpatient treatment for anxiety, depression and substance abuse. Along the way, she rediscovered her love of animals and got a part time job at a local veterinary clinic while she was healing. Matt and Samantha engaged in my couples/parenting coaching program, and even managed to take a vacation by themselves after 6 months of coaching.
Matt and Samantha came to realize that treating their adult children as if they were still kids meant that they were over-functioning as parents, and, in turn, letting their adult children under-function rather than thrive.
I know what it’s like to want to keep your children close to you, and go above and beyond for them. In my own experience as a parent, my third daughter was the subsequent child of a Sudden Infant Death (SIDS) death, my only son having died of SIDS prior to her birth. My other daughters used to tease her and call her Velcro because we held her so tight, but we did not want anything to happen to her. Years later, when she graduated from college, I was so worried about her going off on her own that I even Feng Shui’d my home so that she might launch better. What I realized, with the help of counseling, was that my old patterns of hovering and wrapping her in a bubble of love and worry had created roadblocks. Rather than helping, these roadblocks had (temporarily) stunted her launch.
I recently worked with two separate families who were afraid of (and for) their adult daughter and adult son. They believed these young adults could not thrive out in the real world. These adult children struggled with learning difficulties and anxiety, and because of these challenges their parents set the bar too low. In doing so, they inadvertently and unconsciously gave their children a false sense of entitlement. These children believed they were owed things (like their parents money, time, and excessive care). When these parents learned their adult children were capable, they felt liberated. Their choice to get a robust assessment, and subsequent treatment, was transformative not only to their lives, but also to the lives of their children.
Likewise, I have met many young people who thought school was not the answer for them. They dropped out of school and created a “fantasy occupation.” Here in Hollywood, more often than not, parents report that their adult child wants to become a star, a musician, a rap singer, or a video programmer. These adult children stave off anxiety by creating a fantasy world in which they will soon be the next winner on America’s Got Talent, become an award winning songwriter, or will one day work with Spielberg.
When you challenge the fantasy, your adult child will often strike back. They want to know why you, the parent, don’t trust them or believe in them. They lash out. They leave the parents to pick up the pieces when their dreams inevitably do not come true. While parenting has no easy answers, picking up the pieces (so you, the parent, feel better) may in the long run be detrimental to your child. Instead, parents might consider setting boundaries in what I like to call “compassionate directness,” and allow their adult children to experience the consequences of their behavior. I believe this can be the best set of training wheels a parent can offer.
In this ever-evolving world of parenting, it’s best to get expectations and consequences down, so everyone knows where they stand. If it looks like your adult child needs professional help (because of substance misuse and/or anxiety and depression) then it is wise to reach out to a professional like myself who can help assess the situation. A professional can also give appropriate treatment recommendations, and help guide you as parents to reset and craft boundaries (with love and compassion) that will help launch your adult child into the world.
Dr. Louise Stanger Ed.D, LCSW, CIP, CDWF
Author-Educator-Speaker-Interventionist
I’m looking for help to speak with my adult child who lives at home. He has a college degree – but suffers from depression and anxiety. He refuses to seek help – and I can not see a clear path to help him.
Hi … looking for help/ support for 26 year old son who suffers from social anxiety… he lost his dad at the age of 12 and grew up with a sister that was defiant and would scream n fight w me all the time… my son has suffered over the years w depression…. he successfully completed college n lived w friends for several years but needed to move in w me because his anxiety n depression was getting worse. He is in counseling and we also have deep conversations … he has friends but wants to feel more confidence…. he lacks self esteem which makes me cry! What else could be out there to help young adults? I know life experiences is more of what he needs but is hard w Covid. He lacks coping skills which I blame myself for
DearMargi,
Thank you so much for reaching out, There is always hope t, there is always a solution. Honored to schedule a call with you to learn more about your son and what solutions there are for the both of you.
I have 3 sons all adults 2 graduated high school one did not …we all lived with an alcoholic which was there dad I.left him after 32 years …all three of my sons are living on the streets and are on drugs 2 of my sons have mental issues …anxiety social anxiety depression and ptsd…I have gotten them into mental health but they don’t stay with it …one is constantly in and out of jail …I just don’t have the answer and don’t know what to do anymore…please help
I suspect my son may be depressed. He dropped out of college with a year to go saying he needs to figure out what he is meant to do. He hated the school and town it was in. He is talented and very good looking but lacks confidence and love for himself. He goes through spells where he is down and feeling lonely and lost. Every week he has a new “plan” and sometimes there isn’t much rationale to it…and the following week he will be onto something else. His younger brother is focused and excelling. I fear this may bother him. I tell him its perfectly natural not to have a plan at 22 but he doesn’t seem to trust that or himself. He seems sad.
My son suffers from anxiety and depression. He lives over an hour away. We talk multiple times a day
He’s going to be 24. What can I do to help him. He doesn’t have health insurance.
I have a 31 year old son still living at home, only worked part-time and since covid, not at all. Has severe anxiety, tried committing suicide a few times, is an alcoholic, gambling addict, and is mentally functioning at about age 15
Hi there – I believe my 26 ur old son suffers from anxiety & depression. He also seems angry and stressed frequently. He is not in treatment and doesn’t seem to be interested in getting it although we have suggested it many times.
He lives in NYC with his GF. He is not working due to COVID, collects unemployment and is VERY a picky about what job to get and finds an issue with every suggestion. He does have a college degree.
We financially helped him in college and have helped him a bit financially while he has been in NYC (not while he has been collecting). My husband and I finally told him that there is no more financial help unless he gets a job (or two) on his own to pay the bills. This only seems to make his anxiety and stress worse, making him more prone to outbursts as he is he unsure how to handle all this I suppose.
I know we have to draw a line in the sand and have some tough love but is it more difficult to do this when someone is struggling with mental illness? I don’t want to enable him but not sure what to do and how much help to provide if he won’t help himself with work or MH treatment…..
Is there a way to connect on email? My situation is very similar to yours.
And so is mine!! 🙁
My daughter is 21 and a college graduate. Her anxiety has gotten so bad she can no longer leave the house, has no contact with anyone other than me and now she is having issues eating and drinking. We had to hospitalize her 3 days ago because she was so dehydrated and lower sugar levels. Because of her panic attacks the doctors sent her home with anti-depressants, and do not want to deal with her. She still cannot eat and will not take the medication. I cannot find any help. Everywhere I call tells me that she has to initiate the treatment. She is becoming too far gone to follow through with getting treatment. I feel absolutely helpless.
I am in a similar situation. My daughter also has a chronic neurological condition but there seems to be no help out there for these lost souls. These pat articles about not enabling your children don’t help when they have debilitating anxiety but then there is no alternative with mental health solutions if they’re not willing, or able to lift their heads and talk to anyone.
These are the young adults who are most driven to suicide.
I hope you’re able to find some help. I don’t think this site is the answer.
My son has severe anxiety he’s going to try ketamine. Infusion I hope it helps to
My son is 30, last summer diagnosed with anxiety/depression. Occasionally goes to counseling, is on a prescription. Not working, could not cope with the open plan office and no privacy. I have had to step back from him, he is rude and aggressive when I ask questions. He lives with us. He is socially isolated. I have no idea where to turn
My son is 30 years old trapped in a teenager’s mind with emotional stress I believe he has childhood trauma which was caused by me I see signs of low self-esteem doesn’t care about his hygiene nor his appearance lacks social skills communication skills he isolates has no Drive to do anything but sit in front of his computer playing games all night he has not been in a romantic relationship since he was 15 he has no confidence in himself or his ability to do something I believe childhood trauma was passed down to him from me he cannot handle his emotions he cannot handle the day-to-day stress of life because of the divorce when he was 15 I believe he has abandonment issues he has no social skills he has no interest in his future it’s hard to talk to him because he has no interest he has a small circle of friends maybe six that come over one night of the week to play Dungeons & Dragons when he talks to me about his game night and Dungeons and dragon I can see the excitement of a of a teenager I am very worried that the stress of his job that he had for 5 years caused him to retreat into solitude I am filled with much grief because I believe I broke his spirit I know by a comment that he made that he is very fearful of making me angry although I’m not that person anymore this opened my eyes that he is stuck in his emotional and mental development how do I help him when he’s still afraid of disappointing me thank you for listening to my story
Im so stressed could use a talk